Welcome
    to life
        above
            49º N...

Canadian, eh?

 

 

 

A curious fellow died one day
and found himself waiting in a long line
for judgment. As he stood there he noticed
that some souls were allowed to march
right through the gates of heaven, while
others were led over to Satan
who threw them into a burning firepit.

Every so often, instead of hurling
a poor soul into the fire, Satan would
toss them off to one side into a small pile.

After watching Satan do this several times,
the fellow's curiosity got the better of him.
So he strolled over and
tapped Satan on the shoulder.

"Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said.
"I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I
couldn't help wondering why you are
tossing those people aside instead of flinging
them into the fires of hell with the others?"


"Ah," Satan said with a grin.
            "They are from Vancouver;
                        they're too wet to burn."

 

SIGNS YOU MAY BE A CANADIAN
1. You stand in "line-ups" at the movie,
      not lines or queues.

2. You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk."

3. You understand the phrase,
      "Could you please pass me a serviette,
            I just spilled my poutine."

4. You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars.

5. You drink pop, not soda.

6. You know what it means to be on pogey.

7. You know that a mickey and 2-4's mean:
      "Party at the camp, eh!!"

8. You don't hold your hand on your breast
      when you sing the national anthem.

9. You can drink legally while still a 'teen.

10. You know that francophones, anglophones
      and allophones are not electronic devices.

11. You talk about the weather
      with strangers and friends alike.

12. You don't know or care about the fuss
      with Cuba; it's just a cheap place
            to travel to and has good cigars.

13. When there is a social problem,
      you turn to your government to fix it
            instead of telling them to stay out of it.

14. You're not sure if the leader of our nation
      has EVER had sex and
            don't want to know if he has!

15. You get milk in bags as well
      as cartons and plastic jugs.

16. Pike is a type of fish,
      not some part of a highway.

17. You drive on a highway, not a freeway.

18. You sit on a couch not a chesterfield
      - that is some small town in Quebec!

19. You know what a Robertson screwdriver is.

20. You have Canadian Tire money
      in your kitchen drawers.

21. You know that Thrills are something
      to chew and "taste like soap".

22. You know that Mounties
      "don't always look like that."

23. You actually read, rather
      than scanned, this list.

 

Only in Canada ...
well, maybe "some" other places ...

Only in Canada ...
    can a pizza get to your house
        faster than an ambulance

Only in Canada ...
    are there handicap parking places
        in front of a skating rink

Only in Canada ...
    do people order a double cheese burger,
        large fries, and a DIET Coke

Only in Canada ...
    do banks leave both doors open
        and then chain the pens to the counters

Only in Canada ...
    do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars
        in the driveway and leave useless things
            and junk in boxes in the garage

Only in Canada ...
    do we use answering machines to
     screen calls, and then have call waiting,
       so we won't miss a call from someone
        we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in Canada ...
    do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten
        and buns in packages of eight

Only in Canada ...
    do we use the word "politics"
     to describe the process so well:
      "poli" in Latin meaning "many"
        and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"

    Our American friends have said "Ditto" to the above, and added these:
        Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
        Only in America do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering
        Only in America can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House (oo-ouch!)

 

You know you're from  
Northern British Columbia when...
 

- You only own three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup

- You design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit

- The mosquitoes have landing lights
 

- You have more miles on your snowblower than your car
 

- You have 10 favourite recipes for moose meat

- You thought "Grumpy Old Men" was a documentary

- Canadian Tire on any Saturday
      is busier than the toy stores at Christmas
 

- You live in a house that has no front steps,
      yet the door is one metre above the ground
 

- You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard

- Driving is better in the winter
      because the potholes get filled with snow

- You think everyone from the city has an accent
 

- You think sexy lingerie is tube socks
      and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons

- You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car

- The local paper covers national
      and international headlines in 1/4 page
            but requires 6 pages for the sports
 

- At least twice a year, the kitchen
      doubles as a meat processing plant.
 

- The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun
 

- Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof

- You think the start of moose season is a national holiday
 

- You head south to go to the cottage
 
 

- You frequently clean grease off your BBQ
      so the bears won't prowl on your deck

- You know which leaves make good toilet paper

- The mayor greets you by your first name on the street
 

- There is only one shopping plaza in town

- The major parish fund-raiser
      isn't bingo - it's sausage making

- The municipality buys a zamboni before a bus

- You find -40C a little chilly
 

- The trunk of your car doubles as a freezer

- You attended a formal event in your best clothes,
     your finest jewels and your Sorels

(winter boots that keep you warm even at -40C!)

- You can play road hockey on skates

- You can tell the difference between
      a chipmunk and a squirrel from 300 yards
 

- Shovelling the driveway constitutes
      a great upper body workout

- You know the 4 seasons -
      Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter and Construction

- You actually "GET" these jokes
      and forward them to all your Northern friends

 

The Canadian Temperature
Conversion Guide



+15° C = Vancouverites try to turn on
    the heat. Manitobans plant gardens.

+10° C = Victorians shiver uncontrollably.
    Winnipeggers sunbathe.

+5° C = Italian cars won't start.
    Winnipeggers drive with the windows down.

Zero° C = Distilled water freezes.
    Winnipeg's water gets thicker.

-5° C = Torontonians wear coats, gloves &
    wool hats. Manitobans throw on a T-shirt.

-15° C = Quebecers begin to evacuate
    the province. Manitobans go swimming.

-20° C = Toronto landlords finally
    turn up the heat. Manitobans
        have the last cook-out
            before it gets cold.

-25° C = People in Vancouver cease to exist.
    Manitobans lick flagpoles.

-30° C = Calgarians fly away to Mexico.
    Manitobans throw on a light jacket.

-40° C = Hamilton disintegrates.
    Manitobans rent some videos.

-50° C = Mt. St.Helen's freezes.
    Winnipeg Girl Scouts begin
      selling cookies door-to-door.

-60° C = Polar bears begin to evacuate
    the Arctic. Manitoban Boy Scouts
     postpone "Winter Survival" classes
       until it gets cold enough.

-80° C = Santa Claus abandons
    the North Pole. Winnipeggers
        pull down their earflaps.

-100° C = Ethyl alcohol freezes.
    Manitobans get frustrated
      when they can't thaw the keg.

-200° C = Microbial life survives
    on dairy products. Manitoba cows
      complain of farmers with cold hands.

-300° C = ALL atomic motion stops.
    Manitobans start saying,
        "Cold 'nuff for ya?"

-400° C = Hell freezes over.
    The Winnipeg Blue Bombers
        win the Grey Cup.

...and if you are still confused,
here is the low-down on all us "English-speaking" folks!

Cultural Differences Explained

Aussies:       Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits:       Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans:       Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves.
Canadians:       Believe that that's the government's job.
Aussies:       Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians:       Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans:       Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits:       Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
Americans:       Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians:       Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits:       Pay a tax just so they can watch 4 channels.
Aussies:       Export all their crappy programs, which no one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.
Aussies:       Have produced comedians like Paul Hogan and Yahoo Serious.
Canadians:       Have produced many great commedians, like John Candy, Martin Short, Jim Carrey, Dan Akroyd, and all the rest at SCTV.
Americans:       Think that these people are American!
Brits:       Have produced many great comedians, but Americans ignore them because they don't understand subtle humor.
Canadians:       Encourage immigrants to keep their old ways and avoid assimilation.
Americans:       Encourage immigrants to assimilate quickly and dump their old ways.
Brits:       Encourages immigrants to go to Canada or America.
Aussies:       Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.
Canadians:       Endure bitterly cold winters and are proud of it.
Brits:       Endure oppressively wet and dreary winters and are proud of it.
Americans:       Don't have to do either, and couldn't care less.
Aussies:       Don't understand what inclement weather means.
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
Americans: Love to watch sports on the idiot box. Brits: Love to watch sports in stadiums so they can fight with other fans. Canadians: Prefer to actually engage in sports rather than watch them. Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball and basketball. Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer and rugby. Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball. Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they played them in. Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English." Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English." Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans. Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate," and a heavy accent to everything they say Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island. Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island. Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas and liquor in a backwards country. Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas and liquor in a backwards country. Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer. Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness. Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them. Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem. Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer. Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer. Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss. Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it. Brits: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their past citizens. Americans: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their present citizens. Canadians: Prattle on about how some of those great Americans were once Canadian. Aussies: Wollow on about how some of their past citizens were once outlaw Pommies, but none of that matters after several beers. Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect. Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect. Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things. Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers. Canadians: Brits: Americans: Aussies:
Warm Fires in Back Alley
Camp Fires in Back Alley

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