Computers: Our Newest Species!   Computer


NEWSFLASH ~ Late-Breaking News!!   NEWSFLASH ~ Late-Breaking News!!   NEWSFLASH ~ Late-Breaking News!!
Microsoft announced today that the official release date for the new operating system, Windows 2000, will be delayed until the
second quarter of 1901.

Help Desk Nevermore No Dogs Dr.Seuss Viruses Who's WHO?!

Potty Tech


HELP!!!   Yes, may I HELP you??!   Prickly Plants have their place
HELP!!!HELP!!!   H E L P   Desk   HELP!!!HELP!!!
...and you thought you were bad...
NEVERMORE ...shades of 'The Raven' waft into the room...   "...Nevermore..."

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The Top 20 Reasons
Dogs Don't Use Computers

20. Can't stick their heads out of Windows 95.
19. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
18. Hard to read the monitor
            with their head cocked to one side.
17. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
16. Can't help attacking the screen
            when they hear "You've Got Mail".
15. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
14. Involuntary tail wagging is a dead giveaway
            that they are browsing
                        instead of working.
13. Keep bruising noses trying
            to catch that MPEG frisbee.
12. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
11. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon"
            that signifies tail-wagging.
10. Oh, but they WILL...with the introduction
            of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
9.  Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome.
8.  'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS!
            Now, cats, on the other hand...
7.  Barking in next cube keeps activating
            YOUR voice recognition software.
6.  SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
5.  SIT and STAY were hard enough,
            CUT and PASTE are out of the question.
4.  Saliva-coated mouse
            gets mighty difficult to manuever.
3.  Annoyed by lack of newsgroup,
2.  Butt-sniffing more direct and
            less deceiving than online chat rooms.
    and the Number ONE Reason Dogs Don't Use Computers...
      1. TrO{fO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqs,*
* Too Damn Hard to Type With Paws

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Happy Dogs Don't Use Computers!

What if Dr. Seuss
wrote technical manuals?

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on your cable on the gable at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
Then you have to flash your memory
and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom!

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Computer Viruses

War of the Viruses

Ellen Degeneres virus.....
Your PC suddenly claims it's a Mac

Monica Lewinsky virus.....
Sucks all the memory out of your computer

Titanic virus.....
Makes your whole computer go down

Disney virus.....
Everything in the computer goes Goofy

Mike Tyson virus.....
Quits after one byte

Prozac virus.....
Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care

Sharon Stone virus.....
Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there

Lorena Bobbit virus.....
Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy

Tim Allen virus.....
Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact

Woody Allen virus.....
Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card

Saddam Hussein virus.....
Won't let you into any of your programs

Tonya Harding virus.....
Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons

George Michaels virus.....
Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup

Joey Buttafuoco virus.....
Only attacks minor files

X-files virus.....
All your icons start shape-shifting

Spice Girl virus.....
Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop

Ronald Reagan virus.....
Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored

Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus.....
Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them

Sonny Bono virus.....
Just when you get surfing the web,
a firewall appears out of nowhere

Martha Stewart virus.....
Takes all your files, sorts them by category,
and folds them into cute little doilies
to be displayed on your desktop

Oprah Winfrey virus.....
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80 MB,
then slowly expands to 300 MB

AT&T virus.....
Every 3 minutes it tells you
what great service you are getting

MCI virus.....
Every 3 minutes it reminds you that
you're paying too much for the AT&T virus

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus.....
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

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IQ Test:   Would you give these folks your money?

Would you give these folks your $$$$$?

It's All in the Translation

Boris Yeltsen, Bill Clinton, and Bill Gates
were invited to have dinner with God.

During dinner, God said, "I need the three most important people on Earth to deliver my message. Tomorrow, I will destroy the earth."

Yeltsin immediately called together his cabinet and said, "I have two bad new items for you. God does exist, and tomorrow He will destroy the Earth."

Clinton called an emergency meeting of Congress and said, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that God does exist; the bad news is that tomorrow he is going to destroy the Earth."

Bill Gates went back to Microsoft, called a meeting of all his employees and said, "I have two fantastic announcements: I am one of the three
most important people on Earth, and the
Year 2000 problem is solved!"

Sneak out to Back Alley

Sneak out to Back Alley